UPDATE:

Animals and Space aliens pause invasion to laugh at Terry W. Thompson and the havoc wrecked on Zanesville Ohio.

By Tad Fweind

(Note: Mr. Fweind is now under control of the Department of Homeland security and kept hostage in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba due to his secrets. This psychic interview and report is delayed. It was etched on Lincoln Logs and the cheap kind of Legos nobody wanted as a child. Written with lemon juice, the only way to read this report is to destroy it with fire . . . breathing in the delightful toxic fumes for a greater understanding of the connectivity of chaos theory and symbolic cannibalism.)

While eating brie and day old French bread in my isolated cell, my phone rang. It was Terry W. Thompson from Zanesville Ohio. Not kidding: Thompson. He informed me that the animals successfully pulled a coup, in an effort to distract the world from the oncoming invasion. Outside of his house, in a strange homage to Peter Gabriel’s IN YOUR EYES from the film Say Anything, Mr. Thompson demanded vengeance. Over static and cackling noise, Thompson demanded Mr. Gabriel avenge his death with the song, Shock the Monkey as played by a vintage 80s “boombox.”

The sound of monkey crunching human bone reminded me to finish my meal. Then, I hung up the phone to play shirtless volley ball.

Shortly thereafter, Sheriff Matt Lulzsec gave me this exclusive interview:

Fweind: Are you going to shock the monkey?

Lulzsec: Odds are 5:1 against.

Fweind: Don’t you really want to shock the monkey?

Lulzsec: I first saw the video to the Gabriel song when I was about ten years old. I looked at my Father with tears in my eyes. The haunting images made me comprehend, that my life was totally and utterly meaningless if I never get to shock the monkey.

Fweind: What happens after you shock the monkey?

Lulzsec: I’m going to have my epitaph changed according to my tombstone. There are other animals that are loose in this town, but all that matters is getting to that monkey. We’ll bury the monkey at sea according to monkey rituals, washing the monkey three times and pushing it into the ocean in such a way other monkeys won’t make a shrine. Plus, waterlogged monkey shall not become zombie monkey. That’s the important thing.

Fweind: What if you shock the monkey at the same time as one of your deputies?

Lulzsec: That’s what tranquilizer guns are for. . . deputies that don’t know their place.

Fweind: What about the oncoming alien invasion?

Lulzsec: That’s why we need to enjoy the precious life that we have left. Shocking animals. Now that we have a taste for it, we’re going to go to Wall Street and shock protestors. For the sake of humanity. . .

Desperation is in the air as I have just discovered that various species of animals are colluding with the Gubba Gubbas in their attempt to make Earth gay. Their leader is a bald eagle named Hank. Buddhist Bald Eagles believe that Hank is the reincarnation of Charles Bukowski. As has been discussed in the news, there has been a rash of Bald Eagle attacks on humans. Bald Eagles, loving irony, attacked and drew blood from customers at a post office. Further, a bald eagle named “Dr. Gonzo” lifted a deer into the air, and dropped it on a power grid in Montana, destroying power for humans as a test of our defenses. Whales have begun attacking boats in record numbers. Perhaps the worst news of all, is that the breed of canine known as “pug” has gone on a wild uncontrolled leg humping spree. News is in that Santa Clause is dead, and perhaps the first significant casualty in this undeclared and unprovoked war. A private source, an elf named Harriet Stowe, has confirmed that Santa clause died of suffocation and smothering due to an onslaught of 200 vindictive amorous pugs known as “BEIGE ARMY OF THE  PUGLY.” The Bald Eagle leader has given an ultimatum unto President Obama: Stop Golfing. It is my belief that the humans are doomed, for Barack Obama will never stop golfing, not even for the sake of humanity.

 

 

 

TAD FWIEND, SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT FOR

WWW.THEHAPPYICONOCLST.COM EXCLUSIVE!

There appears to be a major development in the ongoing secret Earth struggle against Planet Gubba Gubba, and it’s psychic alien inhabitants, heretofore known as “Gubba Gubbas,” and their struggle to make Earth Gay.

Planet Nibiru, not really a secret except for those without the knowledge and investigative tact of yours truly, is trying to negotiate a secret pact with the Earth to stop the invasion of the Gubba Gubbas.

The Nibirunians have determined that the current United States Leader, Barack Obama, is the best person to negotiate this pact. Although, there are plans for a revolt under the power of Rick Santorum, who first spoke of this invasion via confidential informant, Mr. Freely, President Barack Obama is Commander In Chief.

The following are exclusive excerpts of an interview I did with Mr. Obama, under strict private guidelines, now revealed here first to the public.

Fwiend: What are your plans in regards to the alliance and friendship proposed by the Nibirunians from Planet Nibiru?

Obama: I have been aware of Nibiru(pause) for quite some time. Planet Nibiru (deep contemplation) is an unhospitable climate. . . .primarily comprised of volcanic ash. . .. and lava. . . .totally unsuitable for golf. . . .

Fwiend: . . . Yes, but. . . .

Obama: Further, as we know. . . .volcanic planets. . .. although having shale as a sand trap. . . which .. . . .is not as consistent as sand. . .. would throw off. . . ..

Fwiend: Yes, but. . ..

Obama: How can .. . someone. . . .acclimate themselves. . .. to this new Environment. . . . of sand? There are no (consternation) water hazards on Nibiru. All water .. . .evaporates there. . . . I would be willing to wear protective gear from N.A.S.A. .. . . .but. . . . . ..I just don’t see it.

Fwiend: What about Rick Santorum taking power, without the vote of the populace.

Obama: Rick Santorum . . .. can go . . . .. (expletive) himself, if he thinks. . . .for one (deep thought) (expletive expletive) moment, that I .. . . Barack Obama, who killed Osama Bin Laden. . . . I was in the war room. . . . which has no turf. . . . I made the sacrifice. . . I only played nine holes. . .and if Rick Santorum .. . thinks for one (expletive) moment, that I am going to turn over my Presidency and stop going to golf courses that once used to deny all black people membership. . . all the gains I have made. . .. for my people. . . and golf. . .

Fwiend:But, is there an irony in the golf discrimination and . . .

Obama: (CURT) Look .. . TAD. . .. . I am not going to. . . .go down without a fight. . .. . without. . .guarantees. .. about. . . .golf access. . ..and secret service. .  .  . .and golf pros. . . . .

Friend: What about the debt ceiling?

Obama: The only ceiling that matters, is the one that will make me raise my golf handicap. . . .you are losing touch of the . . . important .. . ..

Fwiend: Libya? What about. . .

Obama: Look, (expletive), Libya, if you don’t know, has a golf course near Tripoli near the water. A Beautiful course. Neglected, by Qaddafi, the Dictator.  . . for quite some time. . .. this recklesness, will not be tolerated, and I only pray. . .. that our bombs. . .never touch the golf course. . . . .

Fwiend: What about increasing the troop level in Pakistan? What about those that led us to Osama, and their predictable punishment, and doing nothing to protect them? Doesn’t this send a disturbing message to those helping . . . .

Obama: Who cares? Clearly. . .. .  I don’t. . . . .The Kashmir section .. . . a border between Pakistan and India. . . as we know, is a beautiful land, and. . . .the Pakistanis have assured me. . . that in the case of a nuclear war with India. . . if we support them. . . . they will keep Kashmir Pristine. . .. and build. . .the world’s best golf courses. . .  Beautiful mountains. . .Zephyrs. . . . great caddies . . . ..

Fwiend: If you could choose someone to run against you in the election, who would you pick?

Obama: I think. . . .we need to let W. Bush Jr. run again. . . . term limits. . .are unhelpful. . . I need to . .. . whoop him in Golf. . .. . I can . . I can take him. .  .. . .he’s afraid to play me. . .. . . . I can take on any of the Republicans in Golf. . .. . . except maybe Huntsman. . .. . I fear Huntsman. . . . he is unorthodox. .  .. . He  . .. navigates. . .the wind. . . .analyzes the hills. . . . . no real slice. . .. . no. . . not Huntsman. . . . .

Fwiend: What about closing “Gitmo?” You promised as President. . .

Obama: I contacted. .. .Castro. . . .. in private. . . who assured me. .. if we keep Gitmo. . . he will build. . .golf courses. . .. and I will .. . next term. . .. .let people go there. .. to play golf.

What is your current golf handicap?

Obama: THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!

Next Story: I, Tad Friend, shall explore the habitat of Planet Gubba Gubba in regards to turf. I shall also speak to the leader of the Bald Eagle and Whale Consortium, who are secretly plotting an attack against the humans, and are allied with the Gubba Gubbas.

7/6/2011 11:15 USA EAST COAST EARTH(FOR NOW) TIME.

 

FROM T.H.I. NEWS IN HELL, MICHIGAN

exclusive report by guest anchor Tad Fwiend

WARNING: CONTAINS TERRIFYING SCENARIOS

I have learned today from a confidential source in Rick Santorum’s Presidential campaign office, named Ignatius Pontius Freely, that Mr. Santorum has uncovered a secret alien plot from a heretofore unknown planet. Recently discovered by Australian Astronomers, planet Gubba Gubba is located near a worm hole, and alien soldiers are preparing for an onslaught with psychic capabilities to make all of Earth’s population Gay! It appears that only Rick Santorum can save us from the onslaught, and there are now plans for him to take hold of the Presidency immediately.

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